Yesterday, I was the last person to cradle Cristel in my arms.
She had died only a few minutes before… and with everything in me, I will never be able to forget that moment.
I held a dead child for the first time.
Dug her grave.
Filled a small hole on the side of a mountain
That is not my typical Monday at the office.
Most days, I get to write:“We saved (insert number) babies”, “She made it, we’re praising God.”, “He needs prayer, but we think he’ll make it.”, “She is only X pounds, but we reached her in time.”
Yesterday was not one of those days.
It was a day to write of loss.
It was one of those days that you remember the verses that talk of death, and life, and how everything has a season. Somehow it’s a little harder to put those verses into perspective. Like a puzzle piece that fits, but was cut slightly crooked, forcing you to push it in a little harder… the edges creasing the surrounding pieces just a bit.
“For everything there is a season…” for everything? How do you deal with the season of loss?
And why does it feel like the most unnatural thing we have to experience in this life?
I will never believe when people state that death is just a natural part of life.
Because it is not.
We were never created to die.
When God formed our lungs, He did not create them to stop breathing.
When He created our hearts, they were not meant to stop beating.
When He molded the corners of our minds, He intended them to always function.
Death is the most unnatural thing, and the greatest consequence of sin.
This is why the puzzle piece has to be squeezed in.
Because it was introduced after we were created. After our purpose and intention was formulated. It’s why everyone left behind feels ripped wide open… because we were created for relationships and community, and a piece of us is taken with those who leave.
I will always say it, “There are no pretty words for loss.”
Yesterday as I stood over the tiniest grave I’ve ever seen… with no words, it sunk in. There are words for comfort, words for pain, and words for strength… but there are no pretty words for the most unnatural of occurrences.